Trying to Feel Powerful

The most difficult thing about being a previously-productive, underemployed Boomerang Kid is feeling like your life is no longer your own. As much as my parents' tendency to treat me like a teenager annoys the fuck out of me, I can't blame them, so I keep that sentiment largely to myself. I have (stupidly) made myself beholden to a couple of major corporate banks in various ways, so I can't just up and take off somewhere to find work or take an unpaid internship that could lead to a good job because I have debts to be paid. I don't make enough money to do what I want to do along with what I have to do. I feel powerless at times.

That said, I am doing my best to take control of the areas of my life that I can control. I can control my health. I'm doing pretty well on that front with my strict vegetarianism and almost daily walks. Also, being completely broke has made it easier for me to live a less consumerist lifestyle. Because I have to make what I have stretch so far, I focus on small experiences that make me happy, rather than junk I don't need. I am encouraging my own intellectual development by reading, writing, and following politics from largely independent media. I am making a conscious effort to meet new people interested in the same political and religious angles as I am.

Sometimes, when I look at my overall financial picture, I'm terrified. When I look at my actual job situation as opposed to what I believed (and was taught) it would be at this point in my life, I feel resentful. These feelings make me feel trapped, but denying them would be to my detriment. I want to feel them without dwelling on them, then move on to things over which I have greater control. I have to face reality, but not all of my reality is bad. I want to give myself peace, empowerment, and love.

I am incredibly thankful for a family that loves me and is able to house and feed me while I go through this era of my life. I am thankful for friends who try to understand my financial and dietary limitations. I am thankful for the little income I have because without it I'd be royally screwed. I have so much more than so many, and I have to remember to be grateful.