Confronting Emotional Demons

It has occurred to me that I am, perhaps, a bit too sensitive about my life situation. I cannot have a conversation with my mother about my financial issues and life goals without coming away feeling that she is completely unsupportive. Simply reading that statement, I understand that it is an entirely illogical perception. It's likely that she's simply worried. However, my perception is what it is, regardless of whether my reaction is emotional or logical.

My best explanation is twofold. First, I am feeling insecure about my place in the world, which I think is understandable. Secondly, I am feeling crowded because I have zero private physical or emotional space. Essentially, being confronted about my life when I am genuinely trying to get things together turns me into a tiger in a corner. I lash out and try to get free.

There isn't a complete solution to this issue right now. I am working toward important goals in every aspect of my life, including finding a job that will allow me to pay off my debts so that I can move forward, but my mother's negativity, real or perceived, about my long term goals only hurts my productivity. I am not in a position where I can move out of my parents' house, which is essentially what would have to happen in order for me to find permanent private space. A closed door is not an effective barrier in this house.* My temporary solution is to ask my mother not to ask me about my plans if she can't react positively to them because it doesn't lead anywhere good for either of us, especially non-verbal reactions, which are the ones that tend to cause the most trouble because they are so easily misinterpreted. In a more long term, impermanent sense, I may start spending time at the local library on days when I am not working. It would do us all well to have a little space from each other.

Although I have had some clear setbacks, I am trying to be more positive and more proactive in all areas of my life. Thus far, this blog has been a place of purging. I can express things here that I cannot express otherwise, and it helps me feel my emotions and let go of them. In a roundabout way, it allows me to ACT. I will make a concerted effort to post about my goals, though only after I accomplish important steps. I'm making positive progress, and whenever I feel new habits are well established, I'll share them proudly.

*What bothers me most about this fact is that I lived with various roommates over the course of six years and never had this problem, but suddenly I do. To me, a closed door means, "Unless you have something of immediate importance to say, leave me alone." I need to work on my introverted nature before pet peeves like this destroy me.